What do you mean, who would? Who WOULDN'T?!

Excerpted from "The Smoking Gun" SEPTEMBER 12--A quartet of boys attending a high school football camp were assaulted last month by broomstick-wielding teammates in a violent hazing ritual that could lead to charges against the assailants and the New Mexico squad's coaches. According to police interviews, the attacks were targeted against freshman and sophomore members of the Robertson High School team, which spent four days last month at a pre-season camp in San Miguel County. During the attacks, each of the younger athletes was pinned to the floor of a cabin and had a broomstick jammed over their shorts into their anus, according to reports prepared by New Mexico State Police investigators. As seen in the below excerpts, one victim said his attackers "poked him in the butt four times," and "forced in" the broomstick on the last attempt. The boy said he "cried when they did it, because it hurt." Another player said he could "feel the broom inside him" and that he was warned during the attack to "take it now" or he would "get it worse later." A third victim recalled that after he was assaulted, he was patted on the back by an assailant and told, "Way to take it like a man." In addition to considering charges against several teenage attackers, police are examining whether the football team's coaches, all of whom resigned this week, ignored or failed to properly report the attacks. One boy said that, during his attack, a coach walked into the cabin and "smirked" at the attackers and "said something sarcastic" before leaving. Another victim said that during a football practice session a second coach warned linemen that if they did not run full speed, "he would make them hop on their broom sticks." Coach Raymond Woods told police that when he first learned of the hazing, he addressed his squad and asked, "What kind of guy wants to try to stick a broom stick towards another guy's butt?"

I wonder what the cops run a 40-time in?

It's damn near Christmas around here. I'm talking about football season -- specifically college football season. Yes, the NFL garners more attention, but I'll be honest: I get too worked up over how my favorite professional squad does on a week-to-week basis and sometimes can't enjoy the trees through the forest. Is that a mixed metaphor?

Anyway, the real fun happens on Saturday when the -- er, -- amateur athletes step onto the gridiron. Being a Gopher fan hasn't been that special the past couple seasons but we have reason for optimism with a young squad and an amazing stadium ready for unveiling next season. The Kapocius family took in the opener against the hated rival Northern Illinois and watched Ski-U-Mah escape with a 31-27 win. The game unfortunately wasn't settled until the last play of the game. Despite that, the tailgating was fun.

Many people here in the Twin Cities have made the statement that the Gophers will never succeed in football because all of the barriers they face: Lack of supreme focus on football, academics, a location far from high school football hotbeds (read Florida and SEC country). One thing that could really keep our ship sunk however, is the media in this frost-bitten town. Take this, for example: A week before the season started the Strib came out with a story about how the Goph's prime recruit had his ACT flagged for inconsistencies. What this probably means is that he didn't take the test himself. My thoughts: Who cares?!

I don't care if we have smart kids represent us. It's not about them. It's about the alumni in the parking lots drinking beer and playing bean bag toss (or 'the cornhole game' if you're from Wisconsin). It's about enjoying the scenery of co-eds and fall afternoons. It's about perceptions and not reality. The days are over when athletes came to institutions for academics. I could care less if a stud linebacker is making it to his Biology lab, or whether he's smoking chronic in his dorm. It's all about how he performs on Saturday. Granted, I'm not looking for him to create undue mayhem in Dinkytown during the rest of the week, but as long as it falls under the umbrella of "college kids will be college kids" I'm OK with it. I leave you with my favorite football quote ever, and helps to sum up my point. This came from a newspaper out East, covering a Virginia football win. I don't know if I'd want this kid watching my kids -- or managing my finances, but he seems to have an ability to return punts. Good for him -- and us.

Be careful what you YouTube

Court says police illegally taped nursing home sex

By RYAN J. FOLEY Associated Press Writer

Article Last Updated: 09/11/2008 12:30:05 PM CDT

MADISON, Wis.—Police illegally videotaped a Wisconsin man having sex with his wife while she was in a coma in her nursing home room, an appeals court ruled Thursday.

David W. Johnson, 59, had an expectation to privacy when he visited his wife at Divine Savior Nursing Home in Portage, the District 4 Court of Appeals ruled. Therefore, police violated his Fourth Amendment rights against unreasonable searches when they installed a hidden video camera in the room, the court said.

"We are satisfied that Johnson's expectation of privacy while visiting his wife in her nursing home room is one that society would recognize as reasonable," a unanimous three-judge panel wrote.

The ruling means prosecutors cannot introduce the video tapes as evidence in their case against Johnson, who is charged with felony sexual assault for having intercourse with his wife without her consent at least three times in 2005.

Johnson's wife, Leah, was admitted to the nursing home after suffering a stroke, unable to speak or sit up. Nursing home staff members fed, cleaned and turned her, checking on her at least every two hours. Prosecutors say she was comatose.

Johnson's attorney Christopher Kelly said his client would visit the woman he married in 1988 every day, reading her the Bible and moving her arms and legs so her muscles wouldn't atrophy. The woman's sister, who is now her legal guardian, is upset that prosecutors brought charges against him, Kelly said.

"She believes her sister's husband was merely expressing his love for his wife and was trying everything he could to bring her back to consciousness," Kelly said.