The Gophers go meekly down their hole

After starting the season with a 7-1 record, the rest of the Big 10 Conference caught up with the University of Minnesota and the Gophers were summarily dismissed in their final four games of the season to finish at 7-5. I, unfortunately, was on hand for all four of those beat-downs, including last Saturday's inexplicable 55-0 loss to Iowa.

The stakes were there for the Goofs: The last game of the year. A trophy game. A border rival. A chance to rebound from a disappointing loss to Wisconsin. All this and the lads didn't show up. The defense, which certainly wasn't good, held up at least early. It was the offense that was horrible down the stretch for the second year in a row. I understand that the loss of Eric Decker due to a myriad of injuries (shoulder, ribs and ankle) played a significant part in their ineptitude, there is no way that this team should have struggled the way that they did. Like the Michigan game, this team had less than three first downs at halftime. That's embarrassing. Weber regressed for the second straight season and there has to be major questions about his ability to lead a team to the first division of a now-mediocre conference. Coach Tim Brewster admitted that his team needs to do more weight training before next season in order to compete along the lines, but why wasn't that apparent before the season. Did weight lifting just recently become popular?

Defensively, they need better athletes at linebacker. Lee Campbell and Deon Hightower were decent players early in the season but when other teams had the tape on them, and saw what they could do to the Gophers' defense when they got those players in space -- they were done with. The d-backs were certainly an improvement from last year, but in this conference the games are won up-front. That needs to be addressed.

Saturday's game against the Hawks was over by halftime and we took our leave to head to a local watering hole where several Jameson drinks took off the edge. Apparently it didn't to a number of Hawkeye fans who were up for the weekend. Apparently everyone in Iowa comes from a wrestling background because my diminutive friend (5-6, 150 pounds) was challenged a couple of fights. Meanwhile back at the Metrodome, things were even crazier.

According to the Star-Tribune, a pair of drunk Hawkeye fans were arrested for having sexual relations in one of the handicapped stalls of the Dome (what's the deal with lavatory sex in the Twin Cities). According to the story, there was a crowd of cheering fans encouraging the behavior from outside the stall. Police came and arrested the couple and -- get this -- released the man to his girlfriend and the woman to her husband. How do you suppose that car drive home went?

Tough Chick

Jogger runs mile with rabid fox locked on her arm
Nov 5 03:27 PM US/Eastern


PRESCOTT, Ariz. (AP) - With a fox locked onto her arm, an Arizona jogger ran a mile to her car, where she was able to dislodge the animal, throw it into the trunk and drive to a Prescott hospital. The Yavapai County Sheriff's Office said the fox, which later attacked an animal control officer, tested positive for rabies.

The unidentified Chino Valley resident told deputies she was on a trail Monday at the base of Granite Mountain when the fox attacked, biting her foot. The woman said she grabbed it by the neck when it went for her leg and it latched onto her arm.

Thinking the fox was rabid, she wanted to make sure it didn't get away so she ran to her car, where she was able to pry open its jaws, wrap it in a sweat shirt and toss it into the trunk.

The woman is receiving rabies vaccinations, as is the animal control officer.

A House Divided

First it was the Packers-Vikings rift between husband and wife. Earlier this fall it was the rift between father and son as Little Man decided that his new favorite team was the squad that employed his favorite quarterback – Brett Favre and the Jets. Well we have a new one. Apparently the classes at Sheridan Hills had a presidential election at their school Tuesday and while Ella went the way of Obama, Nicolas went with John McCain. I don’t believe any of the “issues” that the general voting population focused on were in play at Sheridan Hills. According to Nicolas the information was more centered upon the candidates’ place of birth and their favorite foods. Nicolas was swayed by McCain’s interest in apples and baseball, while Ella was sold on Obama’s commitment to tomatoes. Considering the myriad non-issues that voting adults in our country seem consumed by, I guess the considerations of a 7- and 5-year-old don’t seem too ridiculous.

Must See Thursday TV, er film

For those of you who are childless, or flush with babysitters, and of course live in the Twin Cities, the Wholphin Shorts (a series of unconventional film shorts) is playing at the St. Anthony Main Thursday (Oct. 30th). The show opened last week to some pretty great reviews. The best of the shorts was the 24-minute "Heavy Metal Jr." in which a group of 9-year-old Scottish lads crank out Ozzy and Iron Maiden. The piece de resistance is when the group performs "Satan Rocks" at a redneck county fairgrounds in front of a shocked audience. Enjoy. Here's the link www.soundunseen.com/2008/movies/wholphin-shorts/

Flag football season comes to an end

Saturday morning marked the end of the 2008 Richfield Flag Football League season. Team Hypothermia (we were actually the Blue team, but the coaches decided to 'fancy it up' a bit) may have been out-gunned by teams that were two or three years older than us, but it didn't dampen our resolve. This was Nicolas' first year playing football. Technically he wasn't old enough -- flag football is for kindergarten through 2nd grade -- but I lied about his age and volunteered to help coach. In their season-ending contest, McLovin (aka Little Man) rushed for a pair of scores. The more dramatic one, a long run in which everyone on the other team missed grabbing his flags, came in the first half. My wonderful bride, who was responsible for videotaping the game as I coached, was tardy as per usual and missed videotaping the run. In the second half I took time off from my defensive coordinator duties to shoot some film, including the man's second score of the game.

What do you mean, who would? Who WOULDN'T?!

Excerpted from "The Smoking Gun" SEPTEMBER 12--A quartet of boys attending a high school football camp were assaulted last month by broomstick-wielding teammates in a violent hazing ritual that could lead to charges against the assailants and the New Mexico squad's coaches. According to police interviews, the attacks were targeted against freshman and sophomore members of the Robertson High School team, which spent four days last month at a pre-season camp in San Miguel County. During the attacks, each of the younger athletes was pinned to the floor of a cabin and had a broomstick jammed over their shorts into their anus, according to reports prepared by New Mexico State Police investigators. As seen in the below excerpts, one victim said his attackers "poked him in the butt four times," and "forced in" the broomstick on the last attempt. The boy said he "cried when they did it, because it hurt." Another player said he could "feel the broom inside him" and that he was warned during the attack to "take it now" or he would "get it worse later." A third victim recalled that after he was assaulted, he was patted on the back by an assailant and told, "Way to take it like a man." In addition to considering charges against several teenage attackers, police are examining whether the football team's coaches, all of whom resigned this week, ignored or failed to properly report the attacks. One boy said that, during his attack, a coach walked into the cabin and "smirked" at the attackers and "said something sarcastic" before leaving. Another victim said that during a football practice session a second coach warned linemen that if they did not run full speed, "he would make them hop on their broom sticks." Coach Raymond Woods told police that when he first learned of the hazing, he addressed his squad and asked, "What kind of guy wants to try to stick a broom stick towards another guy's butt?"

I wonder what the cops run a 40-time in?

It's damn near Christmas around here. I'm talking about football season -- specifically college football season. Yes, the NFL garners more attention, but I'll be honest: I get too worked up over how my favorite professional squad does on a week-to-week basis and sometimes can't enjoy the trees through the forest. Is that a mixed metaphor?

Anyway, the real fun happens on Saturday when the -- er, -- amateur athletes step onto the gridiron. Being a Gopher fan hasn't been that special the past couple seasons but we have reason for optimism with a young squad and an amazing stadium ready for unveiling next season. The Kapocius family took in the opener against the hated rival Northern Illinois and watched Ski-U-Mah escape with a 31-27 win. The game unfortunately wasn't settled until the last play of the game. Despite that, the tailgating was fun.

Many people here in the Twin Cities have made the statement that the Gophers will never succeed in football because all of the barriers they face: Lack of supreme focus on football, academics, a location far from high school football hotbeds (read Florida and SEC country). One thing that could really keep our ship sunk however, is the media in this frost-bitten town. Take this, for example: A week before the season started the Strib came out with a story about how the Goph's prime recruit had his ACT flagged for inconsistencies. What this probably means is that he didn't take the test himself. My thoughts: Who cares?!

I don't care if we have smart kids represent us. It's not about them. It's about the alumni in the parking lots drinking beer and playing bean bag toss (or 'the cornhole game' if you're from Wisconsin). It's about enjoying the scenery of co-eds and fall afternoons. It's about perceptions and not reality. The days are over when athletes came to institutions for academics. I could care less if a stud linebacker is making it to his Biology lab, or whether he's smoking chronic in his dorm. It's all about how he performs on Saturday. Granted, I'm not looking for him to create undue mayhem in Dinkytown during the rest of the week, but as long as it falls under the umbrella of "college kids will be college kids" I'm OK with it. I leave you with my favorite football quote ever, and helps to sum up my point. This came from a newspaper out East, covering a Virginia football win. I don't know if I'd want this kid watching my kids -- or managing my finances, but he seems to have an ability to return punts. Good for him -- and us.