Dr. Love and the art of beating up kids

12

OK, I think I've reached the acceptance part of Kubla Ross (or is it Kubla Khan's) stages of mourning. This, of course, over No. 4's decision to hang it up. So, in lieu of reading about my favorite football team -- and definitely in favor of doing the job that I'm paid to do between 8-4 -- I took to the Internet to do a little surfing the past week. I'm not sure if there is a thematic string between the two sites I found, other than Armageddon .

When I was growing up, KISS was one of the baddest bands in the land and Gene Simmons was the baddest of the bunch. Seven-feet tall with the bottom of his tongue cut loose so that he could better enjoy the company of women, he was bad-ass. We all have heard the stories about Mr. Simmons' penchant for women. Now, I've seen clips of an aging Willie Mays botching fly balls in his last season as a Met, and I've seen a decrepit Johnny U in the powder blue of the San Diego Chargers, so it shouldn't have surprised me when someone sent me a link to the sex tape of Gene Simmons and the only feelings I had were sadness and revulsion.

Dr. Love, who is in his mid-60s now, is shown on the video having sex with some blond. The quality is BAD, and the sight of a shirtless Simmons with his pants down to his ankles having relations with this prostitute is only enjoyable for the shock value. Simmons is frighteningly out of shape and his performance reminds me of someone in the throes of a NyQuil buzz. On two different occasions he leans down to kiss the woman and she turns her head on him. Bottom line is this: not all celebrity porn is worth watching. (Editor's note: Alas, the host of the video, Blabbermouth.net, has removed the video over the protests of Simmons thereby depriving everyone of watching some one's grandparent having sex.)

The other site that has attracted my attention is the survey website "How Many Five Year Olds Could You Take in a Fight". Based on a scenario in which you're in closed confinement with a number of incensed kindergarten children, how many could you fight off? My favorite question in the survey asks whether or not you'd be willing to use one of the kids as a weapon to swing at the others. The results (shown above) indicate that I could kick the crap out of 12 rugrats. I have to call B.S. on this one, though. I've seen some pretty psycho kids and if one of them kicked me hard in the sweetbreads, I may just fold pretty quickly. If you take the survey, please report your score. And please be sure to stay away from my kid's Montessori.